My Late Grandmother

I will warn you now - this is all random and helping me deal. No sort of order or proof reading at all. Sorry if it is hard to understand. Family may want to wait a while before reading this. Before my blog this would have been just for me but I feel the need to share this. This may or may not be my last post like this. I am writing this right after getting home from Tennessee.

A woman many people loved dearly and respected, Dorothy Geraldine, my grandma, passed away on the evening of the Fourth of July. A holiday she loved not only because she loved our country but because it was a day for friends and family to get together. She was all about social gatherings. As my Mom said, "She went out with a bang." I guess if you have to go, and we all do one day, going out instantly with a massive heart attack is the way to go. I am sure she felt nothing. She was here one second and gone the next. No lingering and lying in her death bed for days, months or even years. It's the way we should all hope to leave this planet when our time comes.

I can't believe she's gone. It still doesn't feel like it. Even after the funeral it still doesn't seem real to me like it did with both my grandfathers. With both of my grandpas I had time to prepare. I knew it was coming (sooner rather than later) and even though she was sick and had been for a long time - she was doing well. None of us ever saw it coming. We were all shocked. She survived breast cancer twice and broke her hip last year, yet she was living alone in her own home that she shared for over 50 years with my grandpa and she was doing fine. She was making plans with my cousin right before she died.

Now that she's gone I think about a lot things. I can't stop thinking. Like how she wrote to my Dad every day when he was away at college. How it meant so much to my Dad that he told me about it. I think about how she married my grandpa right before she turned eighteen and loved him until the night she died at 78 years old. I think about how she was basically a kid when she had my Dad at 18. I think about how she dropped out of high school to help care for a sick family member and did not graduate until she was in her fifties or sixties with her G.E.D. She was so proud when she got it. We were all proud of her. She always put others first. There are not many people left in the world like that. She really was one of a kind in so many ways and anyone that knew her could tell you that. I think about how she had four kids by the time she was my age that I am now. I cannot imagine. I am having trouble imagining having two girls.

I think about how she would never ride roller coasters. When she was younger she rode on one and was so scared that she prayed to God if He left her off the ride alive she'd never ride another one again. And she never did. When asked about it, she said it wasn't because she was afraid to ride again (which I could understand) but because she made a promise to God and she would never go back on her word. She was a strong Christian woman with a lot of faith. I know she knew that when her time came and her name was called she'd be going home to Heaven to be with my grandpa and her baby brother who died so, so young.

I think about how she's the one who taught me a lot about arts and crafts. She got me in to making necklaces, doing things with beads, making things with plastic canvas, etc. I always loved making things with her. That is something we spent a lot of time doing and a memory I will always think of fondly. If I am lucky enough to be a grandmother one day I want to do arts and crafts with my grandkids.

I think about how when we were younger she'd always have some sort of cookies made for us upon our arrival. She always had the toys we loved at her house for us to play with. They all had "M's" on them for "Mamaw" which is what we called her.

She's the one who actually got me to wrap my head around subtraction. I was and am still not very good at math. She did it using magic markers. I was young but that did the trick and stuck with me. Even now. I have never told anyone that before. Not even her.

I think about how she took me out for one of my birthdays (I was nine, ten or eleven) and bought me a bunch of earrings that I picked out. That was the best. I loved it. And even though they were inexpensive earrings that I only wore for a couple years I will always treasure that memory.

I think about how she and my grandpa didn't have much money but their kids never knew it. They were happy and loved and that's all they knew. That's all you really need. I think about how she didn't have much money but she never forgot our birthdays or us on Christmas and always sent something when we were growing up. The past few years we got a card and Jenna got the loot but that's the way it should be anyway. She remembered us in remembering her.

I think about how proud of my Dad she was. She and my grandpa both. Even after he retired from the Navy she still addressed his cards to Captain J.C. _____. She always would talk to anyone who would listen about her kids, grandkids, and great grandkids.

I think about how sick my grandpa got and how she had to watch his life slip away. The man she loved since she was a young girl. It was hard on all of us to see him so sick but I know it was harder on her to see him so sick and to take care of him. I think about the past seven and a half years she lived as his widow. I didn't get it (life) before but now that I am a wife and mom I do.

I think about how she was diabetic but always wanted "just a little" of whatever we were eating. I'll always think of her when I hear those words. We laughed about it then and we still do now. She had such a sweet tooth. She couldn't help herself. She'd always talk about what she could and could not eat as a diabetic, but then dig in to the sweets.

I did not know this until someone told me after her funeral, but she always tried new recipes when she had a fellowship at church. I do that too.

I think of how when someone had something they wanted to get rid of or donate or even throw away she'd ask, "Is that something I might could use?" My Dad was getting rid of a hard drive for his computer (at this time she did not have one) and she said, "Is that something I might could use?" It has become a regular line in our family's dialog and we still laugh when we say it.

I think about how glad I am that my Dad, Mom and brother got to see her and spend a week with her back in the beginning of June. I think about how sorry I am I did not go with them. I wanted to go but it didn't work out. Now it's too late...

I think about how happy she was the last few times I talked to her over the last few months. She would laugh at all the Jenna and Molly stories and could not wait for the arrival of baby girl #2. She told everyone about it as soon as I told her. She had even mentioned she thought I might be pregnant again but realized that when I was I would tell her. And I did, when I was just four weeks along. She had even already made me a blanket for baby girl #2. I think about how I never got around to thanking her for it. My Mom brought it home from their visit a few weeks ago. I was getting pictures of Jenna together to send with the card to thank her and now I can't. I know she knows we appreciated it and her but I still hate the fact that I didn't get the chance to thank her for it.

I think about how I didn't know until after she was gone how wonderful she was. She was always special to us, but I did not know she meant so much to so many other people. People who aren't family but she always treated them as though they were. Just a couple weeks ago she was doing all she could to help get ready for Vacation Bible School (VBS) at her church. The preacher there said she wanted to do anything and everything she could to help. She was so tired and worn out by the end of the week but she wouldn't have missed it for the world.

People that were classmates of my Dad, Jerry, Beth and Ricky came to the visitation at the funeral home and or funeral. They thought that much of her that when they heard of her passing they came out to support the family.

I learned a few things about her at her funeral. I knew she could not see well. In the last few years she had a lot of trouble with her eyes and even stopped driving. She was afraid she'd hurt someone else. I learned she had a big print Bible before her daughter bought her one last Christmas. She gave away her other one to another lady at church who could not see well. I also did not know that she had her very own large print church song book made.

She and my grandpa never missed church unless they were sick or in the hospital. In the end of their lives, they both went when they were sick when they could. She loved God and truly put Him first in her life. That I knew before she died. :o)

I think about how everyone at her funeral knew who Jenna was because she always showed off the pictures she had of her and talked about her all the time. I think about how many people came up to me to tell me how proud she was of Jenna and how she always brought her up. I think about how many times the preachers who did her funeral mentioned how much she talked about her family and how much she loved us all. Did she know how loved she was? Even when we did not tell her?

I wonder if she is filling my grandpa in on the stuff he's missed. All the great grandkids that have been born and the one that is on the way. How well we all are doing and how much we have missed him.

I wonder if there's any chance that she will know what this says. Maybe, maybe not but it helps to get it all out. I have always written (or typed) my feelings and I usually do not get this personal on my blog but it just seemed like something I had to do.

If you have loved ones, especially older ones, tell them you love them and call them. Go see them even if it is for a short trip. It may mean more to you than them one day and it will surely bring a smile to their face.

One only gets so many people that will love them unconditionally in their lives and I just lost another one. I have one grandparent left now - my Mom's mom. It's scary when you think about it. We were lucky to have her here with us as long as we did. After all, we are all only here for a short time and that short time can end in the blink of an eye.

I miss her even though I know I will see her again one day. We kept in close contact and I always sent pictures of Jenna, but now, knowing she's actually gone and I can't see her now or send her cards or pictures or talk to her on the phone...there are no words...